Thursday, June 21, 2007

Birthdays and Fathers Day

First of all I would like to apologise to Helena and Lana for not replying to their comments. Tried to- but everytime I did (when using DH's old hand me down note book) it went illegal operation on me. With the office computer- its banned.

BIL's daughter, dahlia's birthday was on the 12th june, party was held on the 16th. Tried to make her a barbie cake. Wanted to bake on friday and put on the fondant saturday but..Sigh.. Dh wanted to upgrade the home computer when we planned to go to Ampang that night, and when he finished it was half past 11 and we reached ampang around half past twelve- would I bake a cake then- no... So I baked the next day and it was too soft.

Later on I asked him to buy a cake, he bought a 500g cake.. Too small I wailed. and we bought another. Shila- was not my intention to buy two cakes so that I could blow .

Did demo on skincare on shila and her aunty. Thanks Mimi, Shila and Lana for buying the trial set. As of today I have sold three full set ( thanks Ana, Intan and Surya) and 7 trial sets. Reviews good too. My colleagues who has acne claimed, theirs has lessened in just 3 weeks compared to months of using conventional products. Some love the cleanser - its gentle exfoliating properties- stopped pimples from 'maturing'. Some like the softness of the moisturiser but most of them love the rose toner.- like in a garden.

After the birthay party rushed back to Ampang for tahlil.

As of today Abah has left us 113 days. It has not been easy for all of us especially mum. I still dream of him. I miss him so much. For the few weeks after he left us, every single thing that reminded us of him made us cry. My kids cannot hear Because of you by Kelly Clarkson without crying as it was his ringtone and also the background song of the slide of his last photographs with us that DH compiled. Even the song Kenangan terindah made me bawl. We'd try to sedekah alfatihah daily and Yassin weekly. The last tahlil, I sat near the main door, usually I'd sit near the stairs. and I had problem concentrating as I could not help picturing the jenazah, it was where he was placed.

It is not easy losing some one you love. Before this, I couldn't imagine how it feels like. You thought you know how they feel, but it is not the same as actually experiencing it. First you don't want to sleep, then you don't want to wake up. Your heart feels like exploding, your head ache, your tears - well it just go ..

On Saturday 24th February at around 7, we were at Seri Kembangan. We received a phone call from my siblings. Abah sakit kepala- the pain was excrutiating. They were all at Ampang Puteri. Ampang Puteri had given him pain killer but he was still in pain. So they decided to take him to Tawakkal because he had been going there for 10 over years.

We went to Tawakkal . The doctor thought we should wait. But still he was in pain. He started calling all his grandchildren and children. He said he never felt this much pain, and mengucap. We asked the doctor to give him more medication . Dr insisted on asking him whether he was in pain, does he want any medication. My dad didn't answer him. In fact when the doctor asked, he kept quiet. I would imagine if i told someone I'm in pain- would I want to answer questions- here I am with this tremendous pain in my head and after telling someone I'm in pain and I was asked whether I want medication. Someone say the Dr just want some kind of response from him- but asking him the same questions over and over again.We insisted on Cat scan, since everything else looks normal. We asked the dr to call the specialist that he used to see and who put him on t he blood thinning medication . The Specialist was apparently outstation. The CaT scan revealed hemorrhage in brain. Then only he was able to contact the Specialist, who came 20 minutes later. Another nerosurgeon came as well and said that he'd have to do an angiography to detect abnormalities in the blood vessels of the brain. He said he'd have to do it either on Monday or Tuesday as dad was on blood thinning medication. We needed a doctor to scramble the medical jargon and also to oversee the procedures and thought we should transfer him to GH as BIL's a surgeon there. Some of my siblings were reluctant to place him in GH, thinking that we weren't be able to see him because of the visiting hours etc, by BIL assured us that although the visitors may be somewhat inconvenienced, the patient would be diligently taken care of. Still we couldn't decide. The specialist that saw him was one of the best, him being the one who saved once famous singer. One of our uncle said we should let him do the procedure. We couldn't decide, therefore asked Abah. He said GH. So on Sunday morning, he was transferred to GH.

In the evening, he woke up and asked for Mak. I went in as well and updated him on his visitors and we joked. He was ok and little did I know it was the last time I talked to him. Later that evening he was wheeled of to the Xray centre for Angio. Apparently according to my sister, he joked with the nurse and while being wheeled. The Angio went ok and the next coiling, to block the aneurysm. They started the coiling around 10 pm and finished the procedure around four in the morning. Sis Ida and Bro Amy stayed on while I went back with Mum. Mak has high blood pressure and migraine, we had to be careful. The next morning we received a phone call from t he hospital- they had to do an emergency operation. Apparently the coiling was good and the scan shows it was successful but his pupils started to dilate and he did not respond to anything.

By this time he was already in coma, tho we didn't know it at the time. The dr said there was still haemarrhaging although the coil was a success. It must have been a new aneurysm. We felt helpless, the dr said we'd have to wait till he stabilise.

We camped at the ICU ward, fighting guards who insisted that only two visitors can wait at the waiting room outside the ICU. We were not allowed there during non visiting hours and had to sneak in and out to pray or eat. But we had no appetite anyway. I wanted to talk to him but seeing him lying there, I felt so helpless and couldn't speak.

Tuesday still no change, his brain pressure went up, then a dr told us he is in coma. They drained the blood, it looked like old blood - not new. We were confused . Someone later asked me, what's his condition- I told her- dad's in coma- and she said she knew that already. We were the last to know of course. I tried to ask around whether anyone would know if he was asked to recite the syahadah before the procedure. I know everytime I was wheeled of to the Operating Theatre ( 3 ceasarians), the nurses or Dr would always ask me to recite the syahadah- well you'd never know if you'd ever make it. No one knew if this was asked of him.

Wednesday was the hardest day. We almost lost him then. Actually someone told me he was no longer there. Machine supported. We were asked to come in- he was dying. I rallied next to him - mengucap- when I can barely say the words myself, choked up with emotion that I was. It was probably the most heart wrenching moment. An imam was there- I made space for him thinking he would want to say prayer, He went next to Abah say prayer , touched him forehead, hands and legs and said, Jangan lupa bagi tahu awal, nak gali kubur lagi- Don't forget to inform us as soon as possible, we'd have to dug the grave. Imagine my horror- here we are so consumed by grief and being reminded by the Imam not to inconvenient him.

After awhile his blood pressure stabilise, although his brain pressure was way too high. We talked to him about his grandchildren. My Dr aunty said hearing is the last thing to go. So we talked to him. His heart beat went up a few times. His eyes watered. Someone said this is not possible but we were hopeful. Felda arranged a sembahyang Hayat at Perdana.

I went back to the hospital around 5am. I told Abah- Pukul 5 pagi sekarang Abah and noticed his heartbeat went up. We were asked several time to leave as they had to tidy the area. I had an earful from someone who said he was gone completely only supported by machine . He thought the Sembahyang Hajat was a waste of time and he didn't know why the Dr hook up the machine as long as they did. I was so completely crushed and devastated that I ran to the Surau and called my aunty. I told her if it was time for him to go, I don't want to be selfish. I know if he got through he'd be a vegetable. Him being such an active person- play golf everyday- he once told Mak, if it was time for him to go he wants it to be quick.
I then phone my Dr aunty and asked her, if he was really dead and that what we saw yesterday, his eyes water, his heartbeat went up at certain words..was it all our imagination. Mak a said, it is all in the hands of god. Clinically that is how it is. But we never know - god's will.
by that time I thot I had cried all my tears out.

At around 10, the nurse told me he was nazak. Phoned Ida, who went to get something, called the family. One look at him I knew he was on his way. His skin was palour, the shade was different, his mouth changed. I was determine to recite the shahadah. This time around I was perhaps ready- or probably because I have spent the whole morning crying, I rallied on until his last breath.

I went back with him with the jenazah car to the house and later on to the burial ground, determined to be near him until the last moment. We kissed him when they opened his face at Ampang. Later on we kissed him again before burial at Linggi. And he looked so peaceful it was as if he was smiling. More broadly in Linggi. The Ustaz was against -burying him in linggi- jenazah tersiksa moving it so much but it was his wishes to be buried there.

I love you Abah- Al Fatihah - Semoga Abah berada dengan Orang2 Yang Beriman.

Someone said she thought I would be affected the most as I was closest to my dad. How do you gauge how affected someone is. If another person fell ill while grieving and another did not , is that the measure of how affected you are. My mum didn't cry at the funeral, is she less affected. I don't think so, because when she's alone she'd hear his voice, when in the room she smelled his perfume. People have different way of grieving.


Dr. Robert G. White, a renowned neurosurgeon, is one of many scientists and physicians who, through their research, came to the conclusion that human beings did not just come together, but are the handiwork of an All-Knowing Creative Genius.
He writes, "I am convinced that the brain is the repository of the human spirit, the soul…for me, the practice of medicine and religious faith are inextricably interwoven. I pray a great deal, especially before and after surgery. I find prayer satisfying. I feel there are immense resources behind me, resources I need and want….
"Yet the notion that human life is nothing more than a chance confluence of complex molecular biology and electrical activity strikes me as a deviance of logic….I have to believe all this had an intelligent beginning, that Someone made it happen. I cannot accept the proposition that, at random points in time, such substantial entities as intelligence, personality, memory, and the human body just sort of fell together.
"I also find it unreasonable to suppose that, at brain death, those powerful entities of intelligence, personality, and memory simply cease to exist. Far more reasonable [is] to believe that the essence of us escapes from a container, the brain, which no longer is capable of supporting us, and finds support in a new dimension.
As to what becomes of the essence of us at brain death, I cannot presume even to speculate. I can only say that logic leads me inescapably to faith--faith that the uniqueness, the individuality, of the human being lives on in this concept we call the soul."
R.G. White, M.D. Thoughts of a Brain SurgeonReaders Digest October, 1978

7 comments:

Helena said...

That was a touching entry. Its confusing kan, in some situations bila kena hook to machine. Imam ni pulak selalu tak sensitive, kan.

I still remember ada makcik ni yg usruskan mandi dan kapan jenazah, tapi mulut dok mengomel dan menggosip. Tak patut betul.

Take care dear.

Superwomanwannabe said...

Hi.what a coincidence reading your touching post as I was just reliving the week today..5 days! Your father was taken too early and too unexpectedly. So many things that could have been done differently and gone differently at the hospital, I am sorry for the shortcomings ..its not easy to stand on the sideline and watch your dearest and closest grieve too, everyone in their own way ...sometimes you dont have the right words. but I'm always here if you need to talk (or not)

Lan0stZz said...

kakk zu, i pun tak boleh imagine myself in your situation but i know that THAT time will come for me.. and as much as u need us to lend a shoulder to cry on, i know one day i'll need one too. sama-sama kita harungi bersama~

Al-Fatihah to arwah..semoga arwah dicucuri rahmat..

Lan0stZz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Minahsongeh said...

Thanks Helena, Shila and Lana for your kind words.

MRSHUSiN said...

kak zu, what a touching entry.
sorry, terlambat baca.
at least now we know how u feel inside, i guess when u actually lose someone for real, then u would know what it is like.
this entry reminded me of the many times i saw arwah uncle driving past the house, & i wld angkat tangan to say hi. now no more.

anyways, like lana, we're here for u no matter what. take care...

alfatihah to arwah uncle.

Minahsongeh said...

Thanks izan. Appreciate your support